positive vs. negative....positive is in the lead

So here's a run down of my day yesterday...

Jim had an appointment on Newbury street, so I thought, hmm, fun! I haven't been to Newbury street in a while. Plus I wanted to test out the new baby carrier on a longer day trip. So we all got ready and off we go. Jim's friend owns a pizza place near there so we met him and another one of their friends down there for lunch (best pizza EVER, and he's starting to franchise so you'll all get to experience it soon LOL)

Jim left for his appointment and the girls and I started walking down Newbury street toward the Boston Commons. We stopped at the Candy shop so we'd have a little munchy when we got there. When we arrived I saw they had a little park for kids, YAY! Ainsley was so excited. She immediately started climbing up to the slide and I sat down on the bench and was watching her.

Not 10 minutes later all of a sudden I see her little body fall....it was a 6 foot platform with a fireman pole. It was too high for her and I know she wouldn't try to slide down it, so my suspicions are that one of the other kids bumped her or she just lost her footing. I took off running, realized her neck wasn't broken and she's screaming. I pick her up and take her back to the bench with me, still screaming.

Screaming stops, she arches her back, eyes roll into the back of her head, her face turns grayish blue and she goes unconcious. I start screaming at her to breathe, remembering that they told me last time this happened to blow in her face. I blow in her face, she gasps for air, then goes limp again. I blow again and she comes to and starts screaming again. Okay, she's alive, that's a good thing. The lady next to me asks if I want her to call an ambulance. I say no, she's done this before, she's breathing now. Pediatric nurse/mother 2 comes over and asks if she can take a look (Ainsley's on my lap, nothing scary) and of course she's still screaming. She says I should probably get her to the hospital. I'm still unsure at this point. She has to be fine right? Mother 1 and several other moms are staring at me, judging me I'm sure for not watching my daughter close enough (it's a freaking little kids playground, why was there a 6 foot platform with no guard rail?????)

Crying won't stop and nurse/mother 2 says the medical center is only 2 blocks away so I pick her up (yes, I'm carrying the 3 year old in my arms and the baby is still on my back in the carrier) I realize a ways down the sidewalk that I'm not going to make it. But I think secretly I figured I would pretend to walk to the medical center to get away from the judging mothers and when I was halfway there, Ainsley would decide she was ok and we could just go home.

Police officer comes over to where I'm sitting on the bench taking a break from carrying 50 pounds of child and says someone told him what happened and that he wants to called an ambulance. I tell him what happened and of course the "lost consciousness" thing freaks him out and in comes the ambulance, and now I feel like he's treating me like a bad mother because I didn't call them sooner. Ainsley still won't walk so I figure it can't hurt to get an x-ray.

My first ambulance ride (Jim's on his way to the Commons at this point and just meets us at the hospital) and we head to Children's Hospital. Immediately upon entering the hospital of course she's fine and walking and playing with the toys and with Caelan. 4 hours later we finally get called back, they decide the leg is fine (obviously) but they're concerned with the not breathing thing. He goes on to explain that it's quite common for children to hold their breath when they cry, but they turn red, not blue, and they don't lose conciousness. I had to tell the story 4 more times and he tells me this isn't breath holding, he and the neurologist are concerned.

Ainsley's first CT scan. They talked about sedation in order to get it done, but Ainsley finally stopped freaking out and she held perfectly still, I was very proud of her, I couldn't believe she held so still. 30 minutes later they come in, tell us the CT came back clean and made me tell them AGAIN that she did NOT hit her head. She did NOT hit her head the first time this happened 10 months ago either. It's not a head injury. She hit her leg. And last time she actually hit her bum. So they sent us home with instructions to follow up with one of the Pediatric Neurologists. They said she has no classic symptoms but there's a small chance she's having a seizure when this happens and they want to rule that out as well and since it's the second time it's happened they think answers would be a good thing.

So they send us home with instructions on how to deal with a head injury (she didn't injure her head!!!)

Of course they ruled out all major injuries at the hospital but the poor kid is still pretty beat up. Her leg is sore, she has scrapes on her face and her ear, bruises on her arm, cuts on her hand. It's past bedtime and she is limping on her foot and crying (remember, we're in downtown Boston right now, 3 blocks from a subway station, our car is parked at the commuter station several miles away) so Ainsley goes in the baby carrier on my back and I hand Jim Caelan. Caelan starts screaming so now I'm carrying Ainsley on my back in the carrier and carrying Caelan in my arms in front. Do you have any idea what an idiot I looked like, walking down the streets of Bostong wearing 50 pounds of child?

None of us had eaten yet so we stopped at McDonalds after we finally got back to the car. It was 10pm when we finally got home and put the kids to bed. Ainsley collapsed from exhaustion immediately and Caelan kept me up all night (fun stuff I tell ya)

Today's positive affirmation:

I'm not a bad mother. It's not my fault.